The Operation
by Nova-chan
Summary: Zelgadis is freaked out about upcoming plastic surgery. And it's all because of a certain purplehaired mazoku.


The Operation!  
  
  
  
Author: Nova-sama  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Warnings: I don't have to say it, because you should know what goes on by now, even though it would have taken up a lot less space to say that than it did to put all this.  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: Zelgadiss gets into an accident involving the GIGANTIC FRYING PAN OF THE APOCOLYPSE and needs plastic surgery. After finding out about the procedure from Xelloss, who made most of it up to freak him out, he decides that he won't go through with it. Will he escape before operating time? Will Xelloss ever get proper punishment in any of my fics? Will Gourry laugh his lungs out? Why is he laughing in the first place? Will Lina buy everything there is to buy out of the snack machine? FIND OUT!  
  
  
  
  
  
"If you say it ONE MORE TIME-" Lina threatened.  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu!" Xelloss grinned.  
  
"All right, bakayaro," she growled. "Say it one more time and I'll-"  
  
"Sore wa himitsu desu!"  
  
"THAT'S IT!!" Lina pulled out a VERY large frying pan out of nowhere, and reared it back, prepared to whack Xelloss on the head with it.  
  
"AAH!" Xelloss cried, ducking, revealing Zelgadiss, peacefully meditating behind him, who, unfortunately, got hit right in the face.  
  
"Oh, NO!" Lina shrieked. "Zelgadiss! Are you okay? Are you all right?"  
  
"Are you alive?" Gourry joined in.  
  
Zelgadiss shook his head, and looked around, trying to make sense out of the blurs he saw.  
  
"My face-" He felt around his visage. "MY NOSE! YOU FLATTENED MY NOSE!"  
  
"BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!" Xelloss laughed, hysterically. "OH, this turned out even better than I thought it would! Your nose looks like it was stepped on by an elephant!"  
  
Lina sweatdropped and handed Zelgadiss a mirror. Zelgadiss looked at himself in shock. He looked like one of those sad creations in which the character doesn't have a nose.  
  
"I'm going to die," he announced, looking on in shock.  
  
"Aw, no you're not!" Gourry exclaimed.  
  
"Really?" Zelgadiss replied, hopefully.  
  
"Yep! And if you do, I promise to bring some flowers to your funeral!"  
  
"Muahaha!" Xelloss laughed. "I knew you could be used to my advantage somehow!"  
  
"Maybe we should have a professional check that out," Lina suggested.  
  
  
  
  
  
The four arrived at a hospital. After three or four days of waiting, Zelgadiss was called. The others waited in the err-waiting room.  
  
"All right, Mr. Zelgadiss," Dr. Holdthemayo began, "Let's have a look at that."  
  
He began feeling along Zelgadiss' nose.  
  
"Hmm." The doctor rubbed his chin.  
  
"Hmm?" Zelgadiss gulped.  
  
"Hmm," the doctor confirmed. "We can have that nose of yours looking good as ever, with a little plastic surgery!"  
  
"Really? That's all?" he wondered.  
  
"Yep. I can do it tomorrow morning. You can even have one of your friends stay in your room with you," Dr. Holdthemayo said, leaving.  
  
"Okay."  
  
  
  
  
  
"WHAT?!" Zelgadiss shrieked, as he sat in the hospital bed, Xelloss sitting beside him, Lina and Gourry about to go out the door.  
  
"You can be about as dense as Gourry sometimes!" Lina exclaimed. "I told you: Gourry and I are HUNGRY. Visiting hours are over in TEN MINUTES. We are going to EAT. You want someone to STAY with you. XELLOSS is the only one eligible for that."  
  
"Heehee," Gourry laughed.  
  
"BUT-" Zelgadiss began.  
  
"Goodbye ZELGADISS WHOM I LOVE DEARLY AND HOPE COMES OUT OF THE OPERATION ALIVE! GOODYE XELLOSS WHOM I LOVE DEARLY AND HOPE-I dunno!" Gourry waved.  
  
"G-goodbye Gourry," Zelgadiss stammered, as Lina dragged the blond swordsman out of the room and toward the nearest all-you-can-eat bar.  
  
The two left in the room sat in silence for a few moments.  
  
In a very out of character mood, Zelgadiss sought help from the only other person in the room. "Xe-Xelloss?"  
  
"Yes, Zelgadiss, whom I love dearly and hope-"  
  
"Stop." Zelgadiss frowned, then looked at Xelloss, pathetically. "What do they have to do? I mean, in the operation? Is it gonna hurt?" he asked, like a child about to have his tooth pulled.  
  
"WELL," Xelloss began, smirking in his own mind. "FIRST, THEY STRAP YOU TO A COLD, METAL TABLE! THEN, THEY TAKE OUT A SCALPEL! NEXT, THEY START CUTTING YOU OPEN WHILE YOU'RE STILL AWAKE!"  
  
Xelloss continued his explanation of the plastic surgery for the next few minutes. By the time he was done, Zelgadiss' eyes were O.O and he had officially freaked.  
  
"NO! I CAN'T HANDLE THAT KIND OF PRESSURE! I DON'T WANT MY ORGANS RIPPED OUT AND FED TO THE MONSTER THAT LIVES IN THE BASEMENT!" he screamed, scaring all the other patients on the floor.  
  
"Well, if you stick around for the surgery, that's what'll happen," Xelloss said.  
  
Zelgadiss looked at him, a plan formulating.  
  
  
  
  
  
Elsewhere, Lina and Gourry had finished their meals and had gone back to the hospital to sleep in the lobby, while waiting for the surgery to be over.  
  
Lina spotted a candy and chip machine. "GOURRY! QUICK!" she shrieked. "GIMME ALL YOUR QUARTERS!!"  
  
He handed her a briefcase full of silver coins.  
  
"Where'd you get this?" She raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Some nice old man who I figured wouldn't need it anymore," Gourry answered.  
  
Lina's conscience brought up a picture of an old man, who had lost his briefcase full of quarters that he wanted to use to pay for his wife's life- saving surgery, and now cried miserably at her bedside while the heart monitor gave out.  
  
She suddenly shrugged it off when she saw the machine again.  
  
"Heeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Gourry giggled.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
He laughed some more.  
  
"GOURRY! QUIT! You're freaking me out!"  
  
He fell out on the floor, rolling with laughter.  
  
"Oh, forget it." Lina sighed. She began putting quarters into the machine, and pushing random numbers, intent on eating everything in there.  
  
  
  
  
  
Xelloss laughed. "Now tell me your plan again."  
  
"I'm going to use your stick to pole vault out the window," Zelgadiss told him.  
  
"How will you manage that when I won't give you permission to borrow my `stick'?"  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
"I'LL FIGURE ANOTHER WAY OUT!" Zelgadiss yelled.  
  
  
  
  
  
Lina walked back to her chair, her arms full of various goodies. Gourry was still sitting there, laughing.  
  
"I don't even wanna know what you're laughing at!" she exclaimed, diving into a bag of chips.  
  
  
  
  
  
"You know what, Xelloss?" Zelgadiss said, suddenly.  
  
"Is it a secret?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then, I don't know.'  
  
"Well," Zelgadiss paused, "I KNOW that you made up all that stuff about the surgery!"  
  
"Oh, is that a fact?" Xelloss wondered, nervously.  
  
"Yes! I'm gonna go talk to someone who actually KNOWS about plastic surgery!" Zelgadiss stormed out of the room.  
  
"Yes," Xelloss chuckled. "And I know just who you should talk to."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Excuse me, Miss," Zelgadiss said, heralding a nurse, who had purple hair that looked conspicuously like Xelloss'.  
  
"Oh, heeheehee," she giggled, "yes, young man?"  
  
"I was wondering if you know anything about plastic surgery," he asked, hopefully.  
  
"Why, you've come to the right man-err girl!" She snickered. "WHY, I'm a plastosurgeriotologist!"  
  
"Oh, good!" Zel smiled. "I wanted to know about the procedure, if you have time."  
  
"Well, plastic surgery is the most PAINFUL and FATAL type of surgery you can have!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Y-you don't say," he stammered.  
  
"Oh yes, you see, FIRST, THEY STRAP YOU TO A COLD, METAL TABLE-"  
  
  
  
  
  
Lina sat in her chair, having finished her last pack of lifesavers. Gourry still chuckled.  
  
"Gourry! WHAT IS SO FUNNY?!" she demanded.  
  
"Heehee, I'll tell you later!" he giggled.  
  
"Oh, fine, I'm going to sleep."  
  
  
  
  
  
Zelgadiss slowly walked back to his room. The "nurse" transformed back into Xelloss and teleported into the room before Zelgadiss got there.  
  
"So, Zel." He smirked. "What did you find out?"  
  
Zelgadiss stared at him for a moment, before suddenly grabbing him, crying Usagi-style. "OH XEL-CHAN! YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I'M SORRY I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU AND WASTED EVEN MORE TIME GETTING A SECOND OPINION!" he wailed.  
  
"Oh, it's okay, Zel," Xelloss comforted. "After all, I still plan to come to your funeral."  
  
Zelgadiss' eyes rolled back in his head and he fell to the floor, unconscious.  
  
"Muahaha!"  
  
  
  
  
  
In the morning, when Zelgadiss woke up, he wasn't greeted by a pleasant sight. The doctors had brought in a stretcher and were prepared to wheel him down to the operating room.  
  
"NO!" he cried.  
  
"YES!" Xelloss exclaimed.  
  
"I'm gonna die." Zelgadiss froze. "I am going to die."  
  
"Oh, I assure you that you won't DIE," Dr. Scentedflower said. "You may go into a coma, but you most certainly won't die."  
  
"That's just what they want you to think," Xelloss whispered.  
  
Zelgadiss gulped. "I WON'T DO IT!" he cried, jumping out of bed, and about to run out the door.  
  
"Boys!" a nurse exclaimed. Two hospital wards came through the door on call. One of them grabbed Zelgadiss by the arms, while the other injected him with some laughing gas to get him to calm down.  
  
"There," Lina sighed. "All better now, huh Zel?"  
  
"Pre-tty colors." he mused.  
  
"Oh, yes, all the colors ARE pretty," Lina agreed, with a twisted grin.  
  
"She's a pretty lady," he giggled, pointing at Gourry.  
  
Gourry looked around. "Where? Lina?"  
  
"Oh, no, silly Zel!" Lina facefaulted. "Gourry's a man!"  
  
"Oh, no! You can't keep a secretive thingie from me, I'm too sharp for all of you."  
  
"Zelgadiss!" Xelloss grinned at the opportunities the influenced chimera brought up.  
  
"Heehee."  
  
"Do you think Lina-san's pretty?" he sing-songed.  
  
"Oooh.uh-huh." Zelgadiss replied.  
  
"HA!" Xelloss pointed a finger at Lina, who blushed. "I KNEW IT!"  
  
"The other lady is pretty too."  
  
"What other lady?" a doctor asked.  
  
"That one," Zelgadiss said, pointing at one of the big, muscly, hairy medical wards, who blushed and turned away.  
  
"Okay," Lina said, exasperated, "would somebody PLEASE just knock him out?"  
  
  
  
"Oh, no!" Zelgadiss shrieked. "I still have to solve the case of the missing sugar lumps that were stolen and then murdered by the evil Dr. Grandmother who then buried them in his backyard in order to throw off his grandson who was later referred to as Bartholomew-"  
  
He stopped when Gourry hit him on the head with his fist.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Gourry," the doctor mumbled.  
  
  
  
  
  
Zelgadiss opened his eyes. "What? Where.am I?" he wondered.  
  
"YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL!" Gourry yelled.  
  
"Oh.heheheh.I forgot." Zelgadiss looked for the sharp and pointy objects. "Is it.over?" he asked, unbelievingly, feeling his nose, finding it was in perfect alignment.  
  
"YUP!" Gourry exclaimed.  
  
"How did they manage to clean up all the blood?" he asked, confused.  
  
"What blood? The blood from your nose?" a doctor wondered. "There was a minor spurt, but it was easy to clean up."  
  
"What about my organs? Did you already feed them to the monster in the basement?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Yeah, Zel, what ARE you talking about?" Lina asked, as a certain Mazoku began sneaking out of the room.  
  
"Well, Xelloss told me that it was a horrible procedure, in which no one ever survived. He told me all about it," Zelgadiss explained.  
  
"And you believed him?" Lina asked, shocked.  
  
"Well, not until I asked a nurse about it. She told me the same thing."  
  
"Zel, dear?" Lina began, sweetly. "Did you happen to forget that XELLOSS HAS THE ABILITY TO TURN INTO ANYTHING HE WANTS?!"  
  
"Hey.you're right!" Zelgadiss exclaimed. "Hey! Xelloss!" Xelloss halted in his tracks. "Did you do all that just to freak me out?"  
  
"I.err.SORE WA HIMITSU DESU!" he yelled.  
  
Lina popped a vein in her forehead. "I-thought-I-told-you-not-to-say-that- ANYMORE!" she shouted. "GIGA SLAVE!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Once all the smoke and wreckage had cleared, it revealed the group completely intact, sans Xelloss, whose nose had been ripped off.  
  
"I think you'll need some plastic surgery," the doctor told him.  
  
"Oh, fluff."  
  
  
  
  
  
What'd you think? Review! I COMMAND YOU! 


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